How much should I tell you? I started this blog for myself, to help me deal with my divorce and other issues in my life. While I can’t say its been cathartic, it has awakened feelings in me that I had buried for years. And opened memory drawers that had also been closed for years. I’ve been suffering from depression, but as a former counselor I figured I could self talk myself out of it. It’s been suggested, but not diagnosed that I may (probably) have PTSD. For most of my life since Vietnam I have buried my being there and how it may have been a determiner of who I am, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Great name for a movie, right?
I have no idea how many folks follow this. I can probably count them on both hands and maybe a couple of toes. The hospital and rear area stuff may be boring and turn readers off, but this part is really important to me, and after all, like I said, I am writing this for me. So, let’s get to it.
“Dear mom, dad, Rob & Sue, Oct 6 Tay Ninh,
I’m still in the rear and expect to be here for awhile yet. I’ve got a legitimate complaint against the Aid Station (battalion). As I think I told you, they had me on bed rest while I had this fever recurrence. Today they released me for duty. I believe that I told you I that I have to have a normal temp for a full 24 hour period. My temp hasn’t been normal yet. My past three temp readings were 99.3, 100.8, and 99.4. They regard any temp up to and including 99.4. And they completely disregarded the 100.8 temp. I have a fever right now, and if I still have it in the morning, I’ll go back. The LT in charge of the rear said he’d make an appointment for me to see the IG (Inspector General). The LT is on my side. He feels if I go back to the field, within two weeks I’ll be back in the hospital again. He says as long as I have an excuse, I’ll be able to stay back. I’m scared to death to go back to the field – one of the companies (Charlie Co) made contact yesterday and took some casualties, also they almost ran out of ammo. The resupply bird sent to them with ammo was shot down. Their contact was less than 1500 meters from Ike. I just can’t go out there again. The gooks that C Company made contact with were supposedly a recon element for a regiment of gooks (500 men) planning to attack Ike. Rest assured I’m not going back out there.” I don’t know how this all sounds to you, but to me it seems that I had done enough and seen enough and didn’t want any more.
“Enclosed is a couple more pictures taken the last time we were here at Ike. Would you ask Rob if he’ll put all the slides I’ve taken here on a separate reel? I’ll rearrange them in order when I get home. I also intend to buy a photograph album for the photographs. I have no idea how many total flicks I’ve got at home. Also I was premature in asking you to invite gram and gramps for Xmas. I guess just the immediate family is necessary.
“It is now 8:05pm and I was just informed that I’m to see the IG at 8:30. The LT told me that if he won’t do anything for me, I can still go higher, which I will do if something isn’t done. There isn’t much else to say at this time, however I’ll probably write some more after I’ve seen the IG. I have a feeling he won’t help and I’ll have to see the Brigade or Division IG.
“It’s a new day and I saw the IG last night. He was reasonable and said he’d help me. Said he would talk to the lousy nigger Doctor.” I apologize for the use of the N word in this letter. The black soldiers I served with in the field were the best and we had each others backs. The racism in the last sentence took be completely by surprise and I am totally embarrassed by that sentiment. I thought about deleting the reference, but decided that for accuracy in recreating this letter, I had to leave it in. I was raised in a racist household, but thought I had moved beyond it when I left home and made friends with blacks at TCU, basic and advanced infantry training, and with the guys in my unit in Vietnam. I abhor the institutional and individual racism that is evident in so much of American society. “If he doesn’t do anything for me, I still intend to go higher. I presented my case well, but of course after the session is over I always think of more that I could have said. Everyone here is going to bat for me, so I may finish my tour in the rear. Keep your fingers crossed.
“Received your letter of Oct 3 today. Some of your questions I’ve answered in previous letters, but I’ll touch on them again. Dental – for you, dad – two teeth pulled, two more to go. One tooth filled. I’m to go back to the dentist in about two weeks and he’ll yank out the other two teeth. All four are wisdom teeth. I mentioned in my last letter that you can stop the Kool-Aid. I would very much appreciate some packages. I don’t eat too well here, rotten food, and would like some of your fantastic cookies to nibble on between mealtime.
“Let me give you some geography on Tay Ninh. Tay Ninh province is one of 11 provinces surrounding Siagon. It lies on the Cambodian border and at one time was a VC stronghold and NVA R&R center. The Cav came in along with the 25th Infantry Division and the 1st Infantry Division. The gooks no longer have freedom of movement such as they once enjoyed. Tough for them. There is still a lot of NVA and VC here. Tay Ninh city (an important religious center) is located to the southeast (about 5 miles) from Nui Ba Den (Black Virgin Mt). It is the only mountain in the area. It’s a sacred mountain and it wasn’t too long ago that the mountain took it’s first B-52 strike. Tay Ninh is a pretty large city, the base camp lies just outside. The base camp is the home of several helicopter squadrons, the 25th Infantry Division, the 1st Brigade of the Cav, and numerous support groups. It’s a big base, like one back in the states except it is surrounded by rows and rows of concertina wire and a 7 foot berm which surrounds the base. It’s quite secure against ground attacks, but there is not much to do about rockets except get underground as far and as fast as possible. The 25th Infantry secures this area, while the Cav takes care of the jungle further out. LZ Ike is on the other side of the mountain from us.
“Damn flies are miserable around here. The mail gets to me quicker now than it used to. Another advantage of being in the rear.
“Oh yeah, I did get the pictures and slides. Do you have either of those two pictures back? There is no telling what shape the ones I’m carrying will be in by then. What do you keep screaming at me about Hong Kong for? I have no intention of bringing any Chinese girl home. Good grief! You can’t begin to picture Hong Kong. The R&R hotels are in Kowloon. I never got over to the Hong Kong side. This time I intend to. It’s by far the most beautiful city I have ever seen. Instant intoxication. You wouldn’t believe the atmosphere there. This time I’ll try to get some pictures and you can see for yourself. However, if I can get a flight, which I doubt, to Australia, I’ll go there. Guess that’s about all I’ve got for now. Take Care everyone, Love Dave.
“PS. Dad, as usual I really appreciated your letter. See if you can get Rob to enclose a note sometime, even if all it says is ‘hi’. On Mike Smith? Are you trying to convince me or yourselves that he is a ‘nice boy’? Just kidding.”
I’m attaching what I believe is a picture of a temple in Tay Ninh. I think I bought a couple of slides there. And Mike Smith, I believe, was my sister’s boyfriend at the time. In rereading the N word part of this letter, I can’t be 100% sure if it was me using it or the IG. Since it wasn’t in quotes, I have to assume that I used it. It looks like the next letter is Oct 17.
“For most of my life since Vietnam I have buried my being there and how it may have been a determiner of who I am, the good, the bad, and the ugly.” So you wrote in your intro.
No doubt, our life experiences help determine our character, and, I think, the timing of those experiences is also a factor. Meeting college kids at TCU helped counter what you’d been taught at home about non-Anglo people. College years are also the age at which people begin to determine who they are because they begin to know they are not just reflections of their parents. Some experiences are more significant than others in the shaping process. Is it because they help us to go forward knowing something that makes our lives richer? easier? happier? Are they the ones that give us confidence? affirmation? fulfillment? I’d say “Yes” to all these things. You learned a lot about what makes life worth living while in Viet Nam. Some experiences, though, can set us back in ways that are beyond our control. Severe health problems, sudden loss of income, unexpected death of loved ones to name some. I can only imagine how mind-bending it must have been to be in the field in hellish conditions knowing that most of the people you knew and loved were living pretty well. Furthermore, you were out experiencing hell without a good reason ever having been given for your being there. So, yuh, your being in Viet Name was a determiner of who you are.
I knew it at the time and it is clear from your letters that you spent a brutal year in Viet Nam. You have lived a remarkably grounded life considering the trauma you endured. I guess growing up in a loving family, in a peaceful, beautiful place, being well fed and enjoying good health, going to school, and having friends was the groundwork for navigating those significant experiences that came afterward. I know little of your life between returning from Viet Nam and now. But, I know you worked with and taught teens for a healthy junk of time. I read your blog and see that you still can write well and are willing to be introspective. These things and that you have recently moved to a place that seems tailored for you at this point in life indicates that you are using the sum total of your experiences to live well.
Interestingly, as I write this note, Jim has been watching the TCU vs. W. VA football game in the background. Your team pulled through for you!